Stim toys are not exactly a part of the public me right now
Hey there! How is the stimming going? If you were to ask me this today I would pause and sigh. It has been a while since my last update on my stimming and things have not been going the way I would have liked. I have gone back to mostly passing as soon as I am not alone. Because of the stares. And the comments.
Becoming an openly autistic person when everyone around you knows you as “normal” is a lot more difficult than I had anticipated to be honest. I am not strong enough to deal with the negativity and the judgement. Yet I am also not strong enough for passing anymore. It is a rather horrible cycle I am trapped in.
To survive I am holding on tightly to my finger stims which are barely visible to others and allow me to self-regulate at least to the point of making the world bearable. And I am letting it all out as soon as the door closes behind me when I get back home.
There is one positive thing about my stimming journey: I can now do it almost freely at home. My husband has gotten used to it and finds it rather cute. Except for my sudden, loud, unnerving vocal stims. Which I can understand.
Luckily for both of us I am mostly a tactile stimmer so it does not happen often that he needs to grab his headphones for protection against his wife’s “Eeehyoh! Eeehyoh!” Note that he grabs his headphones and does not tell me to just be quiet. That is something, isn’t it?
Enter the wondrous world of stim toys
After a rather long break from the online world during which I questioned the point of pretty much my entire existence I have finally gotten back around to it. I still have not figured out the point yet but I have come to understand that doing something is better than doing nothing. And that I might as well do something I enjoy whether it has a point or not.
So I have decided to make some more videos about stimming. More precisely my stim toys. As I am exploring my own stimming and trying to find new ways to stim that work for me I have discovered the wondrous world of stim toys.
I have found things to stim with that were meant for that purpose. And I have changed the original purpose of quite a few things and turned them into stim toys as well.
I love my growing stim toy collection. I have bought, sanded, painted, and waxed a nice little chest of drawers I found at IKEA to keep all my toys in. It has found its place in my little corner in our living room.
This is my space. My husband respects that and stays away from it unless I invite him in. And it is rather normal looking so I do not have to worry about people coming into our space and judging me.
It is nice to have a space to go to when I need or want to stim. It is always there, always available. And since I took care to buy only stim toys that fit in the palm of my hand they are all very mobile. I can take them with me and use them on the go.
I do that. Not even close to enough but some of them have found their way into my pockets or bags. Some of them I can even stim with inside of my pockets which is great for a closeted autie like myself.
I have recently shared my stim toys with the people at my work and they loved them. They are not just great for autistic stimming. Many of them also work very well to reduce stress and anxiety for non-autistic people.
My coworkers response has finally lead me to create my stim toy videos. I love watching other autistic people stim. I love learning about new ways to stim, discovering new stim toys, and seeing all the creativity that goes into finding what is right for each individual.
So I want to share as well. And at the same time work on making stimming more okay for myself. Because the more you make something a conscious part of your life the more normal it eventually becomes.
So here they are. My stim toys. Enjoy and spread acceptance!